The Divine Secrets of a Southern Diva

Mike and I went to the Midnight showing of The Dark Knight on opening day. Originally it was because were going to be out of town. Normally we’d just go Friday night like sane folks. We ended up not going out of town but we already had the tickets. So, off we went.

The place was swarming. We had trouble finding parking. Hello? It’s god damn midnight on a Thursday night at the MOVIES. Whatever, it’s Batman and fanboys and girls are wetting their pants left and right. I get it. Sort of. I mean, I was totally stoked to see it but I’m not a dork. Let’s just get that straight. I’m a movie fan, that’s all. And I’m sane. Well, saner then some of these people.

So, we get in line for snacks. Didn’t take too long. We were seated an HOUR before it started. Awesome. Boringly awesome. The entire row behind us was taken up by some superfan friends. Complete with the keychain that makes light saber noises and dudes that laughed like Louis Skolnick.

Shoot me.

So, I get restless and decide that candy is the answer. I get up to grab M&M’s and Skittles. When I walk outside there is a mob scene in the lobby. 7 theaters of Batman all showing at the same time and people wanted their snacks. So I get in line.

The wrong line. The oh-so-very-wrong line.

It’s taking forever. Like way longer than the other lines. Apparently the chick a few people in front of me is ordering popcorn and cokes for an entire theater. The chick behind me is getting antsy and strikes up a conversation with me. Whatever, it’s passing the time. We bond over the chick in front taking so long. She’s going on and on and on and ON about how this is the only movie she wanted to see all year and OMG they better HURRY! SHE’S GOT TO GET BACK IN! And she’s starts kinda bouncing at this point. I can only see her out of the corner of my eye because I’ve not fully turned around yet.

Oh, by the way, it was 11:30.  She still had 30 FUCKING MINUTES to get her snacks and sit. She was in the same theater as me- the one next door to the concession stand.

Anyway- she happens to mention that she and her friends even dressed up! That’s when I turned around and realized I’d been talking to…

Batgirl.

Just… awesome.

Honestly- what the fuck?

She’s a grown ass woman. With a drivers license and credit card- I saw them in her weird little wallet thingy she was carrying around. She’s over 21. Dressed in black lycra tank mini dress with a pink bat-belt and black boots. She then starts picking out other people who were dressed up and saying how “awesome” they looked. Cat woman was a couple of lines over. Ears and all. The Joker was there- green hair, purple suit and clown make-up. The whole 9 yards. I saw tons of black capes, but really only one true Batman. Mask, cape, tights… and about 90 lbs wet.

It was a total case of “Who here does not belong?”. Answer-moi.

Finally the movie started. AND IT WAS RIDICULOUS. (Which is really good, for those who aren’t hip to my vocab. ) It’s hard to put into words how awesome it was. Heath Ledger was incredible. His nuances in the character- the complete sheer psychoticness he gave The Joker was extraordinary. He was funny and sick and twisted and terrifying and sad all at the same time. Its so sad that he was taken so young. As wonderful as Brokeback was, this was his defining moment.

Everyone was amazing. Aaron Eckhart (who I LOVE) was awesome. Christian Bale, over course, is the perfect Bruce Wayne/Batman. Gary Oldman- incredible.

The city of Chicago was a great backdrop. It was the first time Gotham looked like a real contemporary city and not some surreal place that lives only in comic books. Everything about this movie seemed “real”. Crazy dude in clown make-up terrorizing a city… Rich vigilante crime-fighter in wicked shape using all of his expensive toys to help him defeat evil. It didn’t feel like I was reading a comic or suspending belief to buy into what was happening. Just ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

Just awesome in every way.

Not awesome enough, however, to convince me to wear a Batgirl costume to see it again.

We’ll be going to the IMAX showing on Monday when we get back from Cabo.

Where, by the way, I’ll be in 48 hours!
It can’t get here any sooner, either.

Next blog will be a report on the vacation festivities. Who was the drunkest… the most sunburned… who just straight up acted like a crazy fool. We’ll be capturing this in still photos AND video.

HOLLA!

-Mentally preparing for Coronas on the beach.
Ali

At this time next week, I’ll be lounging on the beach in Cabo San Lucas with a drink in hand, doing nothing but chillin’ like a villain.

Mike and I haven’t been on a vacation since we went down the shore a couple of years ago and he doesn’t even count that. Had my brother not been getting married, we’d probably still not gone anywhere. What’s even better is that my whole family is going, plus my grandmother and her friends, Kristen and her mom my cousins and uncle-who-is-like-my-brother. In all, there will be 52 people going- 22 specifically on our side of the family. It will simply be drunken madness all around.

I’m also- kudos to me for being such a bargain hunter. I ended up saving Mike and I $450. I originally booked straight through the hotel. Then Kristen said her travel agent said they were running a special. So I switched my reservation and saved $300. Then I wanted to pay upfront and the hotel wouldn’t let me. So I got on Fun Jet’s site and booked the same exact room for $150 less.  SCORE.

We’ve bought so much clothes for the trip and just stuff. It’s absurd, but I’ma look so cute. My dress for the wedding is so cute. White sleeveless empire waist A-line with brown, gold and sand colored flowers on it. Bronze peep-toe sling back wedges to go with it. I even got cute bathing suites. As cute as I can be in a bathing suite, anyway.  Everything is colored coordinated from my flip flops to my beach bag- brown, bronze and black.

I call my look Chubby Chic: Even though it’s bigger, it’s still fabulous.

Mikey got lots of new stuff, too! Shorts, t-shirts, plaid shirts, a sage linen shirt for the wedding, flip flops and a couple of hats. We so cute.

So, the countdown is ON.
Sun. Beach. Chi-chi all-inclusive hotel. Me, Mikey and the fam tearing up Cabo.

I CAN’T wait!

-Dreamin’ of sipping champagne on the beach.
Ali

Right now, my co-worker Neal is laying behind my chair asking me not to roll back to fast so that we don’t have an emergency room incident on our hands. Cuz that would blow a little bit.

It’s 12:34 AM. I’ve been here since a little after 8. AM. He was here earlier than me.

People have been asking about my where-a-bouts. I’ve pretty much fallen off the internet. Aside from an occassional tweet or post on some of the boards I’m on, I’ve been completely ignoring my internet life. Sort of. I mean, I work in the internet biz so it’s not like I’m ever unplugged. I’ve just not been socializin’ too much. And y’all know that ain’t like me.

What have I been doing, you ask?

Rebranding our company, launching a new line of business along with three websites and a brand spankin’ new shopping cart. That’s what.  Not by myself, of course. I can’t code shit. I feel like I’ve done some act of God when I add a link to a graphic in an html email.

But, my team has pulled out all the stops over the last couple of months and been working our asses off. There were lots and lots of late nights and ordered in food and coolers of beer in my cube and fuckin’ EH I think I’ve gained 20 lbs. Maybe 30. Not even shitting you. All I’ve been doing is working, eating and drinking.

But it’s pretty much done. We are on our last leg of the launch. All code is live and we are tweaking now. By we, I mean they while I sit here and write this and listen in on this conference call. I’m waiting for the all clear so I can send out emails. And I’m here for moral support.

Go to our site and tell me what you think. If you look hard enough, you might find pics of my fat ass. And all video work you’ll find is courtesy of my very own Mikey-poo. Who stayed up and tested links for us tonight and made a shit-ton of graphics and took pics and did all sorts of stuff to help us out.

I have managed to squeeze in some fun, too. I had a birthday. Mike was voted the Biggest Yankees Fan from The Buzz and got tickets to all three games. I got drunk with my co-workers a few times. I shopped online till I dropped for my Cabo trip. (2 weeks! OMG.) We snuck a quick trip to Jersey. We saw the awesome Houston 4th of July firework display in our back yard. And I played with my cuter than cute chunky-monkey niece.

So, that’s been what’s up. We have an awesome launch party scheduled for Friday (planned by moi!) and hopefully I’ll have some great pics from it. We are talking private room, open bar, food and Rock Band on the big screen. Ho-lla.

-Delirious from lack of sleep.
Ali

I’ve been so non-bloggy feeling lately. I’m totally exhausted from work and life in general. In the last couple of weeks, we re-painted the bedroom again. Mike was so happy. He told me I could move out if I decided to paint anything else. That’s love right there.

Anyway.

We did that, somewhat organized the office, worked our asses off and barely slept.

Oh. And I went to Ali-Mecca and saw Sex and the City.

Kristen came over and we met Sarah and some of her friends at the movies which was total drama. Like, people everywhere and we were in a traffic jam going to the theater. I even got to verbally cut a bitch who tried to cut in front of me. As if. She didn’t know I was going to Mecca and I had to lay the law. I rolled the window down, asked her if she had a problem then proceeded to tell her that there was a long line behind me and so tough.

Did I mention I was driving Kristen’s car? She expected it to get keyed.

Loved the movie. I reviewed it on The Spout. Check it out. Feel free to jump in the conversation.

We had a great time. I cried, I laughed, I cheered… it was fantastic. We went to House of Pies and had pie afterwards. (What the fuck else are you supposed to eat at House of Pies?) Kristen slept over. We girled Mike out and watched Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

Did I mention that we didn’t have cable, internet or phone all weekend? Why, you ask? Because the awesome AT&T dude who came to hook up my neighbor’s internet he thought the way to make it work would be to cut the wires to our house and strip out the box. Yes, the AT&T guy. Yes, we have service with AT&T.   Fucked up much? Wait until I get a hold of customer service. I smell a free month! Also, his service still doesn’t work.

We woke up this morning, waited around for AT&T and FINALLY it was all turned back on around noon or so. Which fucked me up cuz I had a work emergency on Saturday just before the movie and had to go in to the office to take care of it because I had no god damn internet. Kristen got to see the office, though.

So after all that, we went to Momma’s Cafe and had fried pickles, Migas and cinnamon coffee.  Then Kristen and I got a mani/pedi and picked up Marble Slab for us and Mikey.  We had a great time. It’s so rare that Kristen and I get that much time together but I love it when we do.

So, I had a stressful but great weekend.  Hopefully the work stuff that has us all stressed will be rectified soon. I’ll probably disappear again for a bit after this posting.

Well. Until my birthday. You know how much I love to celebrate me.

9 days and counting-
Ali

Diablo Cody made her Myspace page an auto-add because she couldn’t keep up with the friends requests.

I AM NOW OFFICIALLY HER FRIEND.

*angels sing*

I’m trying very hard not to uber-geek all over her page like some 10 year old Nsync fan in a training bra but I really, really want to. I actually cabbage-patched when I saw “Friends Request Accepted!”.

I’m a freak. I don’t care. She rules the school.

Excuse me while I go vomit geekness all over her page.

-Doing the fangirl hurl.
Ali

Yes, this is a blog about boobs.

No, you won’t see any in here.

I’m sure most of your lives have been touched by people who suffered through breast cancer. My grandmother survived it back in the 80’s and my aunt just went through it a couple of years ago. It’s devastating. And though we have made many advancements in research, we just aren’t there yet.

Mike’s mother Joy is participating in Avon’s Walk for Breast Cancer in Manhattan. The walk is just over 40 miles over the course of 2 days. That is a long. Ass. Walk. This ain’t her first rodeo, either. She walked in 2006, training for months and achieving her goal of finishing. That year she raised $3200 for breast cancer research. This year she’s striving to surpass that goal.

The walk is very special to Joy, as her best friend (and Mike’s “second mom”) was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. She’s gone through 5 months of chemo and is now on a round of radiation. I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Mrs. Laggy a bit over the last 3 years and she’s a really special lady. She’s been through a lot more than just this disease in the past year. Every time I see her she’s smiling and positive. She’s an inspiration to us all to not sweat the small stuff and live life to its fullest.

So, all that being said, I want your money. I know times are hard right now, but if you have a little to spare to donate to this wonderful cause we’d be greatly appreciative. If you don’t, just say a prayer or keep them in your thoughts.

Joy’s page.

Save the titties and save a life!

THANK YOU!
-Ali

We are all full up here.

I borrowed that sentiment from Katie who loves the line “Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.” from As Good As It Gets. Honestly, I think sometimes I’m a magnet for socially challenged mental midgets and all out balls-to-the-wall crazy folk.

1. If you can’t write, please don’t email or text message me in any sort of way. I’ve a real low tolerance for dumbass. If you can’t take the time to spell out “you” or “are” and you are an adult? You and I should never communicate, ever, in any capacity.

2. Myspace whores: If you feel the need to invite every Tom, Dick (hehe I said dick), and Harry to show them your tits, please pass up any profile with the name Ali in it. I promise you, I don’t want to see them. Or your cooch. Or you in a thong. Or in a bra. Or in any other various states of undress. Really. I have my own to marvel at. I don’t need yours, thank you very much.

3. Myspace dudes: No, I don’t want to meet with you on IM to see if we can maybe chat and someday get married. I have a dude. An awesome dude. One who is way more awesomer than you. So suck it and stop sending me invites.

4. If you decide you want a dog, please take care of it. Don’t leave it on your deck (in my backyard) all fucking day where the gardener can’t get in to mow because he’s scared of it. Don’t leave it out there with so little water that he sucks down the bowl of it I give him in a matter of seconds. You seemed like a nice guy until this. Don’t make me hate you.

5. Stop asking me for ridiculous, mind-dumbing, waste-of-my-precious-time bullshit. I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with you. You are about as important as a vagina to a gay man.

6. If you are going to say something that incurs my wrath and you do it knowingly, why do you get upset when I let loose on you? That’s pretty fucking stupid if you ask me.

7. Chocolate Teddy Grahams are quite delicious. This has absolutely no bearing on this blog-o-crazy, but I’m eating them right now and they are nummy.

Seriously, people. Don’t make me cut a bitch. I’m way too busy for that shit. Take your crazy somewhere else.

Footloose and Crazy-free.
-Ali

That is pretty much where I live these days. I swear, I don’t have enough time in the day to do everything, but I somehow get it done. Or “Git ‘er done” as the rednecks say.

Last weekend was the first time we had some down time. We hung some more stuff in our house, slept in a bit and went to a concert in the park that Mike blogged about. It was fantastic and a nice way to ease back into the crazy of the coming weeks.

Us being cute at the park:

Work is nuts. Everyone is stressed about a big project we have. We are all having to buckle down and get it down because our deadline is creeping up fast. By the time I get home I’m just exhausted and want to veg in front of the tv with food that takes no time to make. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to talk to anyone… I just want to be.

I bought freakin’ Yoga Booty Ballet to try to get rid of some of this booty, but I have no desire to do it. I’m gonna try to rectify that this week.

My brother was home this weekend, so Friday night we had dinner at my mom’s house with my brothers fiance, her mom and her nieces. It was delish, but the drive home was hell because of a wreck.

Saturday we got up early to cheer on The Planet in Houston Dragon Boat Races. I’m not sure how we did overall because I had to leave early, but I know that The Planet Underdogs (Non-management team) beat The Planet Big Dogs (Management Team). There was a lot of pride at stake, but the Underdogs prevailed which may or may not effect our reviews next week. I did see via Kristy’s tweet that we won the Spirit award which didn’t surprise me because we are awesome. We had a lot of people show up to support us!

I would have loved to stay out there all day, but I had tons to do. We needed to get some stuff for a shoot Mike’s doing Monday at The Planet. We stood in line to get passports and photos for our trip to Cabo. I got my hair cut (always muy importante).

Then, that night, we experianced what we’ve been waiting for since we saw some bootleg trailer from a comi-con what seams light years ago. We saw Iron Man. AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! I’m so excited for Robert Downey Jr. I’ve been a fan for so long. It was great to see him look amazing and really pull of an exciting and amazing larger than life movie. And Jon Favreau? I would have never known he could pull off something like this- not because he’s not talented, but there are those who can make really great movies and there are those who can make killer awesome action movies. It’s rare that you find both. He’s a long way from Gutter, that’s for damn sure. I wanna see it again, but there are so many more movies to see, I just don’t know that I’ll have the time.

Also, in the lobby, I met someone. I had to whip some ass and show him who’s boss, though.

After the movie, we did some midnight grocery shopping and Sunday we cooked and my whole family came over for dinner. It was so nice to have everyone over- we didn’t get to do it all that much in out other place because it just wasn’t big enough. But now we have plenty of room so hopefully we’ll be doing it a lot more.

So, I’m pooped. I’ve got a week of work crazy, Amy is here and we are trying to squeeze in some time together and next weekend we are off to Louisiana. Fingers crossed that I make it through everything without passing out at some point.

-Fixin’ ta sleep like baby.
Ali

I’ve not been myself lately. And I know I’m just tired as hell so my fuse is short and my patience is pretty much non-existent (not like I have much to begin with). And I’m all sorts of hormonal crazy. Apparently, it was picked up on at work. So, my manager made sure that I took tomorrow off and is sending me to get a mani/pedi at a chi-chi spa place.

So. Awesome.

Honestly, no one I’ve worked for before as ever cared that much about their team. It’s overwhelming, really. I do absolutely love my job. I love what I do, the people I do it with and the company I do it for. In my 11 professional years (fuck, 11!? omg) I’ve never had that. I’m really lucky and grateful and don’t really know how to accept it. So, thank you Katie Swick for caring that much and being an awesome manager. I wouldn’t want to work there with out you. Remember, I’ll throw you in the Bayou if you ever leave and then your face will melt off. <3!

So, tomorrow, I’ll be relaxing. Hopefully the Dangermobile will be good to me. We’ll have a talk before I leave. Otherwise Katie might have to come rescue me.

Maybe I’ll post pics of my toes when I’m done.

Also, since I haven’t really shown my people who don’t see me erry day, I think I should show off my hair. I actually love it. I’ve never in 32 years worn it straight until now. I dig it and I think it suits me more as I get older.

For reference, this was me about 3 years ago just after the big DEE-VORCE and when I first started dating Mikey.

And now! I took these 2 days ago.

Mike thinks it’s funny that you can see our toilet in one of those pics. He’s five years old.

Bed is calling my name.

-Sleeping in.
Ali

When I first created this blog, the plan was to blog almost daily. We see how well that worked out. But life is fuckin’ crazy right now, y’all! I’m so tired that I’m having trouble sleeping. It’s stupid.

I mean, I moved a month ago. And in that time, I packed, moved, and unpacked. I repainted my living room, dining room, hallway (5 coats of paint), and bedroom. I scrubbed like a mad woman, decorated and got settled. I went to the Brett Micheals concert, to Louisiana for Savannah’s shower, to Rebecca’s baby shower, out for Rachel’s birthday, and to my moms for Easter. I’ve had dinners out, spent a weekend working on my taxes and found time to shop a bit. Oh, and I worked. I took a whopping 1 day off this whole time. I need to slow my fucking roll.

So, hopefully, I’ll be able to slow down and post more.

Hopefully.

Friday night, sweet, soft-spoken Rachel from work had her birthday party. She turned 23! She wanted to go to a club! Did I mention I’m about to turn 33? I haven’t been to a club in years. But it was an 80’s club, so I held out hope.

Dude. DUDE. The 80’s room was full of sad forty-somethings looking to pick up whatever other sad soul they could find in there. Some of them were AWESOME. There was a dude who looked like he was in his mid-fifties doing some sort of crazy hip-hop, street dancing weird… dance. I don’t know how to describe it. At one point he was humping the floor and then he was hanging upside down from the railing. There was a dude who looked sixty staring intently at every woman that passed and doing some hopping thing. Actually there was a lot of hopping. Some dude dressed in 80’s “new wave” was doing some kick thing. Then there was the Bobbsey Twins (dude and a chick) wearing all black with some sort of silver studded belts and doing choreography. There was some chick in her 40’s with pancake titties and a V-neck cut down to her navel. Oh and one in a see-through black net shirt with a black bra and miniskirts. Did I mention she was chubby? I mean, as IF. I forgot my camera, too.

Now, the people watching was great, but we were all fabulous making the night a riot. First of all, the dumbass DJ was playing 80’s industrial music. I told him to “stop the bitchassness” and play some good shit. He argued with me stating that this is what played at Club 6400, the hottest club in Houston in the 80’s! I laughed because I was in middle school for that hey-day and apparently he lived it. I told him and said that people don’t come to an 80’s club for that shit- they wanna hear the music they jammed to in their bedrooms. And I made him feel stupid and so he began the Madonna hotness.

We danced and danced. Mikey even came out and danced to Karma Kameleon and Beat it.
I Vogued with the birthday girl and Mike snapped a pic of us with his phone.

Then we moved on to the “pop” room. Basically the teenie bopper type music room. I actually danced to Soldja Boy. Um. Ok. Some chick from KRBE was here and put Rachel on the radio because it was her birthday.

DJ: What’s your name?
Rachel: Rachel.
DJ: Is it your birthday?
Rachel: Yes.
DJ: What’s your name?
Me: Ali
DJ: Are you her best friend?
Me: Sure.

Now, Rachel is a sweet girl but we’ve only been working together for a couple of months and this is our first time out together. I got to work today to an IM “Hey new bff!” Hilarious. We did get free drinks out of it. Some concoction in a tumbler that was all booze and a splash of coke. It was kinda tasty and I sucked mine dry. After about 6 vodka cranberries and some wine with dinner.

And let me say, Miss Rachel ain’t so quiet and reserved. Girl’s got a little ghetto in her and I love it. The other Katie that I worked with showed up, as well. (That’s the Katie that replaced Erin [awww Erin. HUGS]. Not my manager/Yarnlove/Knit Free Or Die Katie. ) She showed up, but it she was late and I’m impatient. I sent her an email from my blackberry. (Remember she’s the PR Manager). It said:

Subject: Press Release STAT

Employees from The Planet are involved in a 3 alarm fire caused by a dude dancing his ass off in an orange shirt. Witnesses say that the fire started from his awesome display of athletic prowess while dangling from the bar.The fire could have been avoided had Katie Solan been present.

Please stop the bitchassness.

She showed up 5 minutes later.

I think Mike may have won a chance to play Pinko and win a trip to Mexico or something. I don’t know. I had a blast, though.

Fabulous:

The rest of the weekend was working on the house. We painted our bedroom Friday and my family came over to help with the kitchen and hallway. Well. My parents helped, Sarah and Charlie hung out. It’s ok. They brought the baby.

First, I want to show you what the hallway and the piece of furniture we have in it looked like before we got our grubby hands on it. Electric red walls and a 1970’s chest of drawers with big brass handles.

So we painted it what was supposed to be a soft, creamy yellow. It turned out to be sunshine in a can. We wanted to tone it down. Mom and I mixed paint and did some craziness and it actually turned out pretty cool. It has the look of an old weathered wall. Sort of. The end result:

The kitchen was a lovely institutional blue/gray. I had to pick out a color that went with my decor, the gray counter tops and the honey cabinets. So I chose a color called “Dawn”. It’s basically cream with a hint of coffee. I love it.

And the bedroom was blah tan and now is a soft, soft olive. We still need artwork to really finish that room. And some new furniture. The room is so freakin’ huge. I’m gonna get a vanity for sure.

So, now we just need to work on the office and organize it. Once we do that and can hang the rest of our collectibles and art, the place will be all put together except for odds and ends. And I could not be happier.

I need rest. Maybe a nice spa day.

-Eyes burning.
Ali